Risk It On Our Own. [closed]

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

The silence was probably the last thing Cullyn needed at this very moment. It left him to just his thoughts which were flipping back and forth between Holden and his revenge on the unknown criminals. And as he shifted from one to the other, so did his expressions. Sadness to anger. Fearful to determined. Ridiculously still in love to wanting to rip someone's throat out with his bare hands. His eyes still on the monitor, he felt like a battle of his siblings, Thayne and Vivyan, was taking place inside his head. 

He felt his heart skip a beat when he heard Holden's raspy voice say his name. Before he could stop him, he was trying to sit up, but Cullyn's hands quickly grabbed his shoulders and lowered him back down, gently holding him there until he was sure Holden wasn't going to try and sit up again. Though, judging by the look of pain on his face, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. "Calm down, Holden. I'm not going anywhere." His right hand slid up and softly caressed the boy's cheek. "This really isn't the way I pictured us meeting again." He whispered, fighting the sadness as he pulled away from him, his hands going back to clutching the railing of the bed. 

He glanced up to check his vitals, though they were fluxuating like crazy. Probably to be expected with his frantic awakening. "Healer O'Neil should be back soon to check on you. For now, you're stuck with me." He forced a smile, his failed attempt at being comforting. "What can I get you? Something for pain?" His head tilted slightly as he stared down at him, seeming to get lost in his blue eyes. How he was able to let this boy go so long ago was now a mystery. But he knew one thing was for sure: if this boy would still take him back, he'd drop everything just to be with him. 

[Holden McDermott]

Despite his pain, Holden's face broke into a smile that met his eyes. Cullyn wouldn't leave him. And it was like all of Holden's worries had vanished. His mind flickered briefly to the time right after Cullyn's sudden and unexplained departure. To the unanswered letter.s To the countless days spent in bed hiding from the sun and not attending glass. To slowly, carefully gaining the courage to mend his broken heart. To the friendships he forged, particularly with Tuesday Martin, to mend the gaping hole in his heart left by the young Aynsworth. It had been a rough journey, and it had just been a month ago that Holden had finally released Cullyn and grew accepting that there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

That he hadn't been enough to deserve Cullyn and his affection.

But all of that disappeared from his thoughts. Right now, nothing mattered except for the fact that Holden was in the care of the one person on the planet he had been dying to spend time with for over a year. And despite the fact that he had nearly bled to death an hour before, Holden felt warmth and comfort spreading through his veins, his stomach filling with the flutter of butterflies. Just like how it used to be.

He tried to speak again, but was faulted by the dryness in his throat. Holden droppedh is sore head back onto the pillow, becoming acutely aware of the pain once more. "Water," he croaked out. It's all he really needed. At the news that he was under the care of Ashlyn, Holden exhaled a long sigh of relief. "Thank Merlin..." He muttered, relaxing into the bed. He would be okay. He knew Ashlyn would make sure of that much.

Holden fell silent again, watching Cullyn as he worked. How could he have possibly lived a single day without this boy in his life? For the first time in over a year, he finally felt whole. Like the world was his. Like this love was real, and unbreakable. Yes, that was the term. Holden refused to allow Cullyn to slip through his fingers a second time around. Even in his weakened condition, he swore himself that much.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

Cullyn nearly fell over himself trying to rush to the sink when Holden said he needed water. He pulled a paper cup from the metal dispenser, filled it half way, and took it back to him. He placed to carefully in his hands, a genuine smile gracing his lips for a moment as he stole another glance at the boy's stunning eyes. Why did he feel like such a fool when it came to him? It had been a year and a half since their last meeting. He was the one who pushed Holden away by not replying to his letters. And now he was back to falling head over heels like a hopeless romantic when all he seemed to be today was just hopeless. 

"I'll get you something for the pain." He said simply, walking over to the glass cabinet of vials and taking his time going through them. He really needed to get ahold of himself. Be professional and make sure nothing happens to His patient. That was his job. The fact that Holden was so forgiving right off the bat was probably due to his current state. He couldn't let himself get his hopes up that he would be forgiven that easily for being a selfish ass. 

He grabbed a vial full of a dark blue liquid: the potion equivilant of morphine, and filled a new syringe with it. "This should help for a little bit. At least until Ashlyn is back." He flicked the syringe, getting out all the air bubbles as he walked back over. "You'll feel it hit your head first. Just relax." He gave him another attempt at a comforting smile, this time actually looking steady as he did it. He forced the needle into the entry point nearest to Holden's arm and pressed down the plunger slowly, eyes watching him carefully to make sure it wasn't too much for him to handle. 

[Holden McDermott]

Holden took the cup of water from Cullyn and sipped at it slowly. He felt considerably better once his throat was moistened, and as he drank, he continued to watch Cullyn. What was he doing here?, anyway? Holden took in the sight of Cullyn's robes, which matched the exact shade of his eyes. An intern, no doubt. Working with Ashlyn? Holden's lips hitched up in a half smile. That had to be a force to be reckoned with. Not for a moment did Holden believe the rumors and stories spread around school, of CUllyn being so sick he had his own quarters in the dungeon. No, Holden knew it was more than that.

But he also knew it was none of his business.

"Thank you." Holden's voice was a bit stronger now, and he set the empty cup to the side. Pain shot through his chest with the slight movement, and he grimaced. As much as Holden would normally refuse any pain medication, he knew that right now it was necessary. Though perhaps he should warn Cullyn about his particular sensitivity opiate potions...

Too late. He was injected with the substance and it hit him like a train. Blotches of black appeared in his line of vision and for a moment Holden felt like he was slipping back into unconsciousness. But he fought it as numbing slowly settled over his limbs. He licked his hands above him and cracked his knuckles gently. He couldn't feel it. Unbelievable. A moment later, his eyes slid out of focus and he rolled onto his side to get a better look at Cullyn. "Ohhh. I'm not sure if I like this. I feel like I can do anything!" To prove his point, Holden sat up in bed, only to have a headrush hit him and his vision obscured once more. He slipped back down and burrowed beneath the thing covers. "Y'know I wrote to you, right? For six months. Every day." He hiccup slightly.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

He had only pushed half of the syringe full of medicine into his IV before he saw it starting to numb his pain and play with his mind. He stopped and set the syringe aside, chuckling as he watched Holden. "Relax, Holden. You're not superman." Though you're my superman. He adjusted the thin blanket on him and propped up his head with the pillows. "Yeah, I think that's enough medicine for you." He smiled down at him, before going to grab a towel and dampening it in the sink. 

He walked back over, gently starting to wash the blood out of Holden's hair. He nearly froze when he brought up the subject of the letters, but this was to be expected. He was just upset that he didn't have time to prepare for this meeting. He had nothing to do but be completely honest. "I know. I got them all." He whispered, face flushing from embarrassment. He knew Holden probably wouldn't understand and he couldn't exactly risk telling him the truth. "I didn't reply because..." He stopped, rustling his damp hair to make sure it was totally clean. 

"I was protecting you. My life is complicated. I didn't want to put you in danger." He finished, looking like he was on the verge of tears. His words were vague, but surely they were enough for now. Maybe one day the truth would come out... He flipped the towel to a clean side and gently wiped his cheeks, nose...lips. "What were you doing today? How'd this happen?" He questioned as he moved down to his neck, trying to change the subject so he could stop being disgusted with himself for now. 

[Holden McDermott]

If Holden had been feeling his himself - and not under the influence of pain medication - he probably wouldn't have sprung the letters issue on Cullyn so suddenly. It simply wasn't in his polite nature to do so, especially since Cullyn was clearly at work. But with Holden, pain potion often acted like veritasserum: it let him speak the truth without any obvious restrain or inhibition. He visibly relaxed when the towel was applied to his forehead, then to his hair. He sank his head into the pillow as Cullyn washed his hair, unable to fight back a smile at the gesture.

"Thanks..." He mumbled, taking a deep breathe, feeling his excitement even out. It wans't the time to pick an argument. Certainly not. So he peeked up at Cullyn with a sheepish expression, ieke a child knowing he was at fault. Then he shut his eyes again as he explained his life was complicated. Holden could have called that from the get go.

"Y'know... I'm not sure. I was leading a meeting in Hogsmeade. About a protest. Next thing I remember is waking up here." Holden frowned. The circumstances did indeed seem suspicious. but who in their right mind would target a group of student organizers? It seemed like such a low blow. But for the moment, Holden refused to read anymore into it. His concern was instead directed to the others at the meeting. He suddenly sat up again. "No one was killed, right?" He asked in a wavering whisper, his own negative physical state pushed from his mind.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

Cullyn continued to wash the blood off of him, moving from his neck down to the arm closest to him. He was relieved when Holden let the topic of the letters go. He just didn't want to talk about it right now. Not in their current situation. Holden should have been resting and Cullyn, well, he should have been doing something other than cleaning the boy just to have an excuse to be close to him. He started wiping off each of his fingers, taking his time and intertwining his own fingers with Holden's every once in a while. Might as well take advantage of his drugged up state. Who knew what he would say or do once he realized he had basically been abandoned over a year ago. 

"Protest?" An eyebrow perked slightly, automatically curious by what exactly he meant. He knew he didn't know Holden that well, but he was now the leader in some student-organized protest group? What the heck could a bunch of students have a problem with in a world that was so nearly perfect that it gave even Thayne nightmares? "Have you always been this rebellious or is there something I missed?" He questioned teasingly as he moved around the bed to clean his other arm. 

Holden's sudden movement caused Cullyn's reflexes to kick in, dropping the towel as his hands moved to grab his shoulders again. "Stop moving, Holden! You're going to cause internal damage and then Ashlyn is going to kill me." He warned as he forced him back down onto his pillow. "You know as much as I do. I've barely left the room since you got here." He shrugged as he removed his hands from Holden and went to the cabinet again to grab another vial full of clear liquid. Another syringe measured out and he was back at his side. "Just something to help you relax..." He murmured and emptied the syringe into his IV. It was usually given to patients a few minutes before surgery to calm their nerves, but this was a decent exception.

[Holden McDermott]

"I've always been this way," Holden insisted, frowning when CUllyn gave him another injection. There wasn't much fighting he could do now. Still, he was craving for any bit of information he could about his peers. After all, Holden blamed himself for getting them into this situation. If anyone died because of it, then Holden wasn't entirely sure he could live with himself. The worry was still there, polluting his mind, threatening to drag him into another depressive episode. But then whatever Cullyn stuck in his veins seemed to slowly take grasp, pushing away all the bad feelings Holden usually tried so hard to avoid.

"When Ashlyn gets back, I'm demanding more information," He warned Cullyn, before sinking his head into the pillow as a sign of defeat. As lovely as this encounter was, Holden hated hospitals. He was already mentally counting down the hours until he would be free to return to Hogwarts. Although really, with the extent of his injuries, who knew when that would really be?

The minutes passed in silence, and Holden felt a drowsiness seize him. Really, what else was there to say to Cullyn? Holden wouldn't allow himself to voice how much emotional stress the boy's departure caused him. Or how even now, he wasn't getting the answers he desperately sought for over a year. His eyes fell shut for a moment as he racked his brain for a topic. Funny how you can spend so much time just wishing someone was there, yet the second that person appeared, words failed you.

"So you got the gig. Healer. I mean, intern." He finally stated, opening his eyes once more.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

Cullyn couldn't help but chuckle at Holden's warning, like he'd actually be afraid of it. "You can go right ahead, but knowing her, she won't give you the information you want. You need to focus on getting yourself better. Not stressing over what you can't change." Sound advice and also something he had been telling himself for years. There was no changing his family situation. So he chose to accept it and just take things for what they were. "A bit more of that medicine and you won't have a care in the world." He warned back as he picked up the towel and went back to wiping him off. 

The silence was nice. Awkward, yes. But at least it was an effortless type of awkward instead of trying to make conversation with a boy he had obviously disappointed a billion times over. He got a fresh towel, dampened it, and gently wiped some blood from his chest, looking closely at the healing skin. He really did need to bring a small stash of his own potions collection for times like these. Holden would have been healed from the inside out without a scratch left on him if he had his regeneration serum with him. But, as good as Ashlyn's work was, there would still be scaring of some sort with all the stitches. A battle scar or two never hurt, though. 

His eyes flickered up to meet Holden's when he spoke, unable to look or feel proud of himself at this current moment. "First day, actually. It's going great so far." He answered, sarcasm catching in his tone during the last bit. He grabbed up the neomycin serum and, copying Ashlyn, dabbed it all over his chest wound. Better to be safe than sorry. "You can stop with the small talk, Holden. I know I hurt you. I can still see it in your eyes." He shrugged as he turned his back to him, arranging the potions they were using to heal him on the counter a few feet away. "I swear, if I could go back in time, I'd change it all. Go back for you. But I let my head rule my heart." 

He froze, hands resting on the counter and holding up his shrugging frame. "Like I said before...though you were unconscious, I know it won't make us even, but feel free to punch me. I deserve it. And you wouldn't be the first today. I got KO'd by a door earlier." He shook his head at the ridiculousness as he turned back to meet his gaze. No doubt he would have bruises everywhere tomorrow, including his forehead. But at least he had a distraction from the pain with this unexpected Holden run-in. 

[Holden McDermott]

Holden sighed, but knew that Cullyn was speaking the truth. He knew Ashlyn well enough to know that she wouldn't tell him if one of his classmates had been severely injured. The young Healer knew it would have negative consequences. And there wasn't much he could do to fight it now, now that he was injected with two different potions and the room was spinning and he felt drowsiness take hold of him in a fierce grip.

He bit his lip, not expecting Cullyn to call him out so directly. He didn't exactly want to discuss it right now, hence why he had avoided the topic. "It doesn't matter, CUllyn. It really doesn'." olden had learned to live wit hthe hurt, and he managed to lock away that part of him on a daily basis just so he could function. Maybe this sudden, unexpected reunion wasn't the best thng for either of them. Wouldn't Cullyn leaving a second time only make things so much worst?i

There was, of course, a possibility that he wouldn't leave. That things weren't done between them just yet. But maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"I don't blame you. Sometimes letting your head get in the way is the best thing,." He muttered quietly, eyes flickering shut against the harsh lighting of the examination room. If only he himself had let his head get in the way. Maybe none of this would have hurt as bad. "I'm not going to punch you, Cullyn. I'm not a very violent person." Yet even as the words left his mouth, Holden was hit by a memory, of shoving his former best friend Canon against a wall. Of letting his bruises knuckles collide with his jaw.

So maybe he did have a violent streak. But two years of therapy later, Holden felt like his actions were finally in line with his head. He could never hurt Cullyn.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

"It does matter. I hurt you and I'll never be able to apologize for that. I can't explain these things to you, but Ashlyn knows my situation and, if in a private enough place, I'm sure she'll tell you everything. You deserve to know, but I just can't. I don't know who's watching me or even listening to this coversation right now." Cullyn was rambling at this point, something he did a lot when he was frustrated. If only he had taken some notes from Vivyan and learned to keep his mouth shut most of the time, even when he had so much to say. 

"You should blame me. This is the problem. I like to be held responsible for my actions, even if it brings about the death of me." He leaned back against the counter, eyes trained on the floor like before. "Be honest with me. And yourself. We could have had something special, Holden. It's my fault that we're nothing right now. But I won't make that mistake again. If you ever forgave my stupidity, I'd risk everything to call you mine." Now he was sounding like a lovesick, pathetic, reckless lunatic. He had his chance at being with Holden. He let that chance slip through his fingers. He didn't deserve another shot. He didn't deserve love at all. 

He rubbed his forehead, his continuous ranting bringing forward the pain in his head he had been trying to ignore. The pounding was nearly unbearable this time, finally feeling the impact of that complete knock-out. It felt like he had been hit by one of those muggle contraptions they called cars. "I can't do this." He murmured to himself as he let his body collapse down onto the soft wheeled-stool near him. Using his feet, he dragged himself back around the bed to get a look at Holden's vitals again. "Take some deep breaths. Your blood oxygen levels are a little low." He stated before resting his arms on the railing of the bed, nuzzling his throbbing head in the crook of his left elbow. 

His eyes closed, able to see the blood pulsing in his eye lids. What was first fear to see Holden brought into the hospital went to excitement to finally see him again. And now it was just Cullyn being so disgusted with himself by his actions so long ago that he wanted to get up and leave. The only thing keeping him there was Ashlyn's orders. He owed her his life. Her word was his law at this point. 

[Holden McDermott]

"Cullyn...." Holden's voice was sleepy and slow as the pain medication got to work, flooding his veins with a sweet high, making him feel invincible yet exhausted at the same time. This wasn't the proper time nor place to discuss such things, yet there was a part of Holden that continued to gnaw away at him that questioned if they would ever get this chance again. If Cullyn disappeared once, he could easily do it again: be Ashlyn's intern one day, then the next be unheard of for two, four, six months. Maybe longer. He had to seize the opportunity, even if it was in the most awkward of circumstance.

"I believe you. This isn't your fault. It was a lot to get over, but I've gotten over it. I'm okay. I'm fine." He stated the words he had said to people countless times over the past year - to concern professors, classmates, his parents, even Ashlyn and his primary physician Senior Healer O'Neil. It was frustrating that no one seemed to believe him. Though... could Holden really blame them? The mental state he had been left in followng Cullyn's shocking departure had been anything but healthy.

"I forgive you, okay?" Holden said, shutting his eyes and mumbling out the last words. Whatever Cullyn had injected him with was proving to be effective. It was like a numbness spreading through his mind, erasing all the concern and panic he felt over the fates of his injured classmates. That was most unsettling - knowing something was wrong yet he was being restrained from doing anything about the situation. Another sigh, one that was a mixture of frustration and helplessness. For a few moments, he concentrated on his breathing as instructed, though it didn't seem to matter at this rate.

"I've never.... been one... to hold grudges for long." In that aspect, they were incredibly similar. Someone could be the worst person possible to Holden and he'd just brush it off once they apologized. No big deal. He was all about second chances.

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

Cullyn's eyes slipped open when Holden whispered his name. Obviously the boy was in a state of delusion from the pain and anxiety meds. To be honest, he was wishing he could inject himself with the same things and pass out on the floor for a bit. His thoughts were back to revenge and slowly moving towards the idea of leaving Holden before they got attached again. Sure, time had healed wounds, but the memories were so painful. What they had before was raw and passionate and flawless. Getting over that had to be hard. It was for Cullyn. But at least it had been his choice. Holden was just left clueless and heartbroken. 

As he listened to Holden try to say he was fine, he was actually believing it. And he wanted to use a simple Obliviate on him and then disappear from the hospital. If Holden had recovered from this, the last thing he wanted to do was make him go through it again. But Thayne wouldn't let him leave. And his heart was aching from the idea of erasing the memory of himself from Holden's life. He wanted true love. That was something he didn't have with Haven, which probably had to do with the fact that she was a bitch and he was definitely gay. He wanted to date Holden. Grow up with Holden. Get engaged to Holden. Marry Holden. Start a family with Holden. But it was just so dangerous...

"I understand. I don't either..." He murmured about grudges as he forced himself to lift his head. The pounding was almost too much to handle and the room spun quickly before he got it to stop. "You're better now. That's all I cared about. At least you've moved on..." Not that he could say the same for himself. "You'll get out of here soon. And then you can go back to your life. Find a good man. Stay out of trouble. I have no doubt you'll be happy, Mr. McDermott." He got to his feet, placing his hand on Holden's. "Get some sleep. I'm gonna go see if I can find Ashlyn." He gave a faint smile and then left the room, heart feeling like it dropped into his stomach. He needed to let him go. He had to. This run-in was just a coincidence. Fate was not a part of this. It couldn't be. 

The hallway was fairly more organized and the more severely injured were all taken care of. He made his way to a girl about fifteen years old with a short, shallow gash in her palm and began examining and fixing it with simple spells before pulling a vial of neomycin serym from his robe and dabbing it on gently. He made his rounds to the people waiting in the hallway, minutes ticking by and turning into hours quickly as he went about helping people, waiting for Ashlyn to get out of surgery. 

[Ashlyn O'Neil]

The lethargy spread through Holden's veins, and finally he could no longer fight sleep. He succumbed to slumber before he had time to form a coherent protest. He rolled onto his side and drifted off into a dream land where nothing hurt, where he was far away from this hospital. It was a welcomed reprieve.

Across the ward, Ashlyn managed to get the girl's condition stabilized. The work had been enough to give her a pounding migraine, but she ignored it. This was truly a test of skill for the new Healer. She had never dealt with a spinal cord injury quite so severe, but after an hour of fierce concentration, multiple spells, and a variety of serums, Ashlyn was pleased to find the youngster responding when her foot was lightly tapped. The risk of paralysis had been averted. All was well.

She cleaned up her work station and scrubbed the blood that had gotten past her gloves and onto her forearms. Finally, she disposed of her surgical mask and pushed back out into the busy ward. Everything seemed winding down. The healers and stunned interns were no longer in a frantic mess, there was order among chaos as patients were lead to rooms, healed, and - if the severity of injuries allowed - released back to concerned professors or parents. Ashlyn headed straight to the room where she had left Holden with her intern. She was pleased to find the boy asleep, his injuries healed, his vital signs stable, his breathing leveled. Ashlyn exhaled a long sigh of relief before quietly departing.

It took just a moment for her eyes to pin the tall, blonde intern helping to heal some of the more minor injuries. Ashlyn headed to Cullyn's side, and clapped her hand on his shoulder. "Good work with McDermott, Cullyn. I'm sorry I had to leave you so suddenly." Of course Ashlyn wouldn't have been so quick to depart had she not been convinced of Cullyn's skill. She instinctively new that her favorite patient would be in good hands.

She glanced over and nodded to another intern, who took over Cullyn's work with the girl. "I'm going to look at your head injury," Ashlyn explained, steering Cullyn back to her office. "According to the front desk receptionist, you smacked it pretty hard when I sent you for serum." She smiled wanly at her intern-turned-patient as she lead him inside and made him sit. A careful examination soon followed, and Ashlyn soaked a small tea towel in an icing solution, applying it to Cullyn's forehead. For a moment, she stayed in contemplative silence, before asking the question that had been weighing on her mind for over a year. "I don't mean to intrude, but he's special to you, isn't he?"

[Cullyn Aynsworth]

Cullyn felt a familiar hand on his shoulder as he went about fixing another young girl who had a small shard of metal buried in her forearm. A simple extraction and three stitches would fix that up without a problem, but he found himself being pulled away from her, another intern taking the surgical pliars from his hand. "It was you who saved him. I don't need to be patronized, Ashlyn. I was a mess in there." He said under his breath, wanting to snatch his tool back and help the girl who was now looking up at him with pleading, misty eyes. Maybe he hadn't exactly mastered the whole 'staying calm under pressure' part of the job yet. But people seemed to put their trust in him easily and the young ones even became attached to him. 

"I'll be back to check on you, Bells. Don't worry. You're in good hands." He ruffled her strawberry blonde hair playfully and then allowed Ashlyn to lead him away, posture and walk both showing signs of what seemed to be defeat. "She's lying. I just bumped my forehead. I'm perfectly fine." He argued, though it was pointless. He soon found himself in her office, forced to sit in one of the cushioned chairs. He looked everywhere but at her as she went about pressing something to his forehead, though he didn't question it. The pain was nearly unbearable and the towel being held to his head seemed to be dulling it a bit. 

He was starting to enjoy the silence, finding it relaxing after all that chaos. But then came the question that pulled him from the emotional fog clouding his mind. He grabbed Ashlyn's wrist gently, forcing her hand with the towel away from him. "He was-" He cleared his throat, feeling a slight lump forming from the sudden wave of sadness overwhelming him. "Is." He corrected himself quickly as he finally met her gaze. Maybe she would be the one person who could understand his past and current situations. 

"We had something. Back before my near-death experience. Actually, right before it. And then I never saw him again. Thayne pulled me from school and I decided it was best not to contact him. You know, to keep him safe. I'm sure he's moved on by now, but I'd never felt that way about anyone before. What we had was rare and just pure raw emotion. I think..." He rubbed his aching forehead as he looked down at the ground. "I think I loved him. And I'm afraid I still do. Seeing him today, I felt the same lust and rush of adrenaline that I got back in school every time I'd simply see his face across the Great Hall. Only it was mixed with panic and anger." He covered his face with his hands, shrugging like a huge weight was just set upon his shoulders. "I'm such an idiot, Ashlyn. I lost my only chance at true love. I...I don't think I can continue treating him. It hurts too much."